NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD......

I am writing this in early January, 2021, as I reflect back on 2020.   I never thought I would:

1.  Miss out on the births and early, (quickly) changing months of life of two grandchildren. (so long awaited)

2.  Miss getting on a plane. (wasn't a fan.  I was a homebody.)

3.  Miss grocery shopping (hated it before!)

4.  Switch to eating mainly a plant based diet, thanks to Purple Carrot (highly recommend). I guess I am now a "flexitarian."

5.  Eat, let alone, love tofu! (would never touch the stuff.  Now, I eat it twice a week!)

6.  Not go the gym on a daily basis, as I had for 29 years!

7.  Not get a manicure or pedicure for 10 months (or more?)

8.  Take hugs for granted.

9.  Take restaurant dining and meeting friends for coffee for granted.

10. Miss getting to wear my "normal" clothes and shoes.

11.  Miss seeing my jewelry (have started wearing it now, so that I can see it!)

12.  Miss "playing" at Ulta and indulging, especially at sale time.

13.  Have to cross the street when I saw someone coming close to me.

14.  Have to wear a mask in public-EVER!

15.  Only be able to see people's eyes and not their full faces.

16.  Witness the elimination of funerals, gatherings and physical contact after loved ones die.

17. Be busier and more involved with grief and loss now than when I was fully working.

18.  Hear now much kids and their parents want schools to open (remember how they used to all look forward to vacations?)

19.  "Attend" so many more events, exhibits and concerts online than I would have in person.

20.  Finally, and most importantly, live in a period of time where there are food lines, maxed out hospitals and funeral homes having to bring in trucks to house dead bodies, doctors and nurses caring for patients (without protective equipment) and then having to live in separate quarters in their own homes to protect their families, families that can't be with their elderly relatives and grandparents, people dying alone, having so many of our everyday freedoms taken away, spending so many holidays alone, away from family.

This is my list (thus far).  What's on yours?

SEPTEMBER 11, 2018

      September 11, 2001 is a date that most of us still, and probably always will, remember with pain, horror, grief, and for many,  PTSD.   Yes, we have moved forward in our lives since that awful day, because, well, what choice do we have?  Life is for the living, it is said.  However, we can't help but go back in time, every year, to that beautiful, perfect fall day, when hell rained down from those blue skies.   Lives where changed forever.  People were changed forever.  

     On a more personal level, seventeen years later to the day, 9-11-2018, my family experienced our own traumatic event on another beautiful fall day.   My daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, perfect in every way......  born still.  To go from the highest of highs, from  such joy, anticipation and excitement to the lowest of lows, such shock, horror and disbelief, in the blink of an eye was incomprehensible, not to mention devastating beyond belief!!  FINALLY, after undergoing 5 years of infertility treatments, injections, so many doctors, so many scans, so many  hopes and dreams,  we were SO CLOSE to all of that being behind us (I am using the plural form, because this has affected the whole family, not just mom and dad).   We went  from the doctors and nurses telling us, "Your baby girl is a bit early, so she will have to go into the NICU, but she  will probably be the biggest baby in there...... She has the strongest heartbeat.....You have nothing to worry about"  to hearing, "We can't find a heartbeat" is as crushing a blow to the heart....to the mind.... and to the body as one can ever experience.  

   Why am I writing about this now?  Because, two years later, especially at this time of year, even though the aftershocks are still there (and always will be),  I now have enough distance and perspective to want to get out the word about infertility and reproductive loss.  Why is our society so OK with being able to talk about other kinds of losses, (well, for a short period of time anyway!), or physical ailments, but miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal deaths are still whispered about or not spoken about at all?  We must change this!  Too many moms and dads have had to carry this burden by themselves which makes their suffering that much worse, especially because these pregnancy losses are so much more common than most people realize.

   Miscarriage is the premature end of a pregnancy  BEFORE the 20th week.  More than 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.   Stillbirth is the death of a baby AFTER 20 weeks. "Each year, in the US, approximately 29,000 babies are stillborn- 4 times greater than the number of babies who die of SIDS.  Some researchers even feel stillbirths are SIDS deaths in utero! Approximately 60% of all stillbirths are unexplained (we are in that category).  Neonatal death is the death of a baby anytime between birth and 4 weeks.  The estimated number of neonatal deaths in the U.S. is approximately 19,000. " (Empty Arms by Sherokee Ilse)   I had no idea!  Did you?

   I don't want to get bogged down in stats.  What I'm trying  to show is how prevalent these losses are and, yet, unless you are, or know of, a couple experiencing infertility and/or pregnancy loss, you really have no idea how many other couples struggle with this.  Why do they feel shame?  Are people ashamed when they get cancer?  Or have a broken leg?  Of course not!     This should not be any different, but it is.  Unfortunately, these couples self isolate  with their pain, anxiety, depression and loss of self esteem.  The needed support and understanding is not forthcoming, because no one knows!   Shhhhh.....don't tell anyone.  Or, if they do happen to tell, the would-be supporters  have no idea how to relate or what to say, so they either say nothing  or something like, "You're young. You'll have more kids."  Really?  Can you guarantee that?  Do you know what it took for us to get to this point?

   In our modern culture, "we expect to come home with a live and healthy baby 9 months after a positive pregnancy test, to a nursery we have lavishly prepared, filled with clothing and other goodies received during joyous baby showers.....Why has modern culture departed from the acknowledgment that pregnancy, if achieved at all, does not always result in happy endings?  Where is the space to acknowledge this before pregnancy?"  Dalit Kaplan (http://storywell.com.au/)

    Try to imagine what it is like for a couple who has experienced these kinds of struggles to see pregnant women on the street or couples walking their babies in their strollers or even friends and/or siblings easily getting pregnant and having healthy babies.  It's gut punch after gut punch after gut punch.    Whether it's a pregnancy loss at 6 weeks, 32 weeks or even at full term, it is extremely traumatic.  "There are no culturally recognized rituals to assist infertility patients in the grief process."  Isn't it time that we start some?  This means that couples have to be more forthcoming.  Please come out of the shadows with your pain, so that you can get the support you need and deserve.  Not everyone will provide that safe place for you to land.  That's OK.  Keep trying until you find the ones that will.   

 Speaking of which, to our friends and loved ones, as supporters of us and of other families who know the same heartache,  please don't judge or give us advice.  We just need you to listen to our stories, to our struggles to conceive or to hear about our babies that once lived, in utero, that were alive and kicking, for whom we had so many hopes and dreams, just like you had for your kids when you were pregnant.   Please mention these babies' names, now and years down the road, when yours and other kids are getting older, but ours are not.  Don't try to protect us from our pain.  We will still be sad and grieve that they aren't here, whether or not you mention it.   You don't have to know "the right thing" to say.  Just show that you're interested, willing to listen or, simply, that you just didn't forget they were here.  They will always be a part of our families, a part of us.  No matter how many other children come into the family, the ones that didn't make it will always have a place and will never be replaced.  There is certainly enough love to go around.

 Also, please don't forget dads when it comes to infertility and pregnancy loss!  Men's feelings so often get overlooked as others ask how the wife is doing.  Understandably, husbands and partners feel helpless, because they can't fix what's going on or  make things better.  Not only that, but they may be unable or unwilling to share their feelings with their wives who are going through their own grief.  They want to be her coach or her shoulder to lean on, while all the while, they, themselves, could use some TLC.  They may act stoic, but inside, they, too, are devastated.  Reach out to them however you can.  

 Now, I don't want this to be a depressing post, because as tragic as this has been for us, we have come out the other side and have lots to celebrate.  My daughter and son-in-law have given birth to Olive's baby sister!   Needless to say, we all hug her a little tighter and inhale her tiny being to the max and beyond, because of what we've been through, but this is the gift that Olive gave us.  Thank you, sweet Olive!  How forever grateful I am that I was able to hold you, too, in my arms, before I had to let you go.  When our hopes and dreams died with you, when the life we planned on having with you disappeared,  you taught us to dream new dreams, hope new hopes and to live life, albeit a different one, for you, who was never even given the opportunity to breathe your first breath.  We will do these things FOR you and BECAUSE of you.   

  So, on this September 11, 2020, happy second birthday, Olive!!   Your little sister, Wren, will always know that you came first and how very special you were and are, because we will never stop telling her about you.  As long as WE live, YOU will never die.   We love you SO much!

  

LOSS AND OPPORTUNITY- FLIP SIDES OF THE SAME COIN

    This coronavirus is certainly getting in the way of our living our lives, isn't it?  Or is it just getting in the way that we were USED TO living our lives?   Is it safe to say that most of us actually liked the ways in which we were conducting our lives?  I can't speak for you, but for me, personally, I was a happy camper.  I didn't need this strong wind to adjust my sails, thank you very much!  I was sailing along just fine, with a few storms here and there, some rough waters,  to be sure, but was still able to keep the boat upright and moving along.

      But, as we find so often in life, things don't stay good forever,(unfortunately!), just as they don't stay bad forever (thank goodness!). The only thing constant in life is change.  So what are some of the opportunities that have come out of the losses most of us are experiencing?

      CREATIVITY is off the charts!  My own sister and brother-in-law are making birdhouses and mailboxes that are one of a kind and utterly spectacular!  What a team they have become!  (check out Terry Janis on FB). 

All over the internet, creative people are designing masks.  Teachers have been creative in trying to teach virtually, as have personal trainers.  Museums and musical theaters are opening their virtual doors to us.  These are just a few examples.  I'm sure you could share alot more.

     TIME has also become so much more appreciated.  It used to be fleeting, because all of our schedules were so maxed out, that quality time was hard to come by.  We were always rushing off to the next meeting, class, event, trip.   My niece, who never got to spend enough time with her kids, because of her hours of work, has been able to be a full-time mom for once (although that can't last much longer). My son-in-law who spent a large part of his career traveling, both nationally and internationally, has been quarantined at home with his newborn daughter and wife, which has been invaluable for all of them!  What a gift it's been.  There is no "dad helping mom out" here.  He is a full-time dad, conducting business online, with his baby strapped to his chest!  And an extra bonus is that my daughter is fortunate enough to be presented with homemade breakfast, lunch and dinner, brought to her side, 3 times a day!  Lucky gal!

     APPRECIATION has come front and center and isn't relegated to "oh, by the way, thanks." Sometimes, we didn't even say that.  How often did we ever think of grocery store clerks and stockers, truck drivers, farmers, teachers, restaurant owners and staff, hospital staff, nail techs, hairdressers, etc. other than to know that they sure made our lives easier?  But did we ever really give them much more thought than that?  Probably not much.  I will not be stingy with saying thank you anymore.  There is plenty to go around.

    FREEDOM was so taken for granted, wasn't it?  How awful it had to be to live in a communist country, we might have thought.  Well, we certainly don't live in one, but we now know what's it like to have more restrictions on our freedoms than we've ever had before. To  be able to go outside, visit places or people we love just because, go to the grocery store, never seeing empty shelves, eat out at our favorite restaurants, go to movies, plays, concerts, have friends over for dinner or cards or conversation.....oh, to be free.  You know that old saying, you don't really know what you have until it's gone?  I'll bet that most Americans took freedom for granted, just because we were born here. Our soldiers didn't and don't, but alot of us did.  Such a shame. Soon, when we are able to go and do those things that we did before, how much sweeter they will be.

    RELATIONSHIPS have taken on a whole new meaning.  Maybe we used to complain about family members, but now, we would give anything to be able to be with them in person (that is, unless we have all been quarantined together! ha! ha!)  Parents of adult kids who all live far away from each other, grandparents and grandkids who may even live in the same city, but have to wave to each other from across the street or behind a window- Zoom and/or FaceTime have become invaluable.  Families play games together online, friends have happy hours, grandparents read books to their grandkids, etc.   We are making time to actually laugh, love, play and cherish each other!!  I hope this never changes back to the way things were!
    So, yes, my friends, these last couple of months have been more than difficult.  I'm not telling you anything you don't already know!  But if we could just stand still, for a moment or two each day, (hopefully, more than that),  and look around us- take in the blue sky and the green grass, the colorful flowers and the huge shade trees, watch and listen to children, talk to the elderly and learn from them, treat our loved ones, and ourselves,(!) with kindness, tolerance and compassion- then, just maybe, our more open eyes and hearts will make our world even better than it was before.

      

      

"EVERYTHING WILL BE......"

    Before the world turned upside down and inside out, I had just completed an audiobook, entitled, How To Stop Time by Matt Haig.  The title of my blogpost comes from that book, along with this quote:  "The only way to stop time is to stop being ruled by it. Don't drown in your past or be fearful of your future.  Live NOW!"
    How many of us lived in the now, before the coronavirus actually forced us to do this?  How many of us complained about our busy, out of control lives, but, for some reason, just could not slow down?  Heck, I sometimes thought to myself, "If I could just stay home for a week, without going to the gym and doing everything else that I do everyday, I would get so much done!"  Well, Jo-Ann, be careful what you wish for!  Now, I really miss going to the gym, seeing all of those familiar faces in my classes (not even knowing some of their names, but knowing we are always there together, day in and day out) and having instructors and trainers motivating me, so that I don't have to motivate myself.  Now, it's all up to me.  I know myself.  I will still exercise, but it won't be the same.
   There are so many, many ways in which all of our lives have changed, but we must focus on how our lives have changed for the better, for now.  Of course, I am not talking about the hundreds of businesses, restaurants and personal service people that have lost their shirts!  That is beyond heartbreaking!  I am trying to look at the new opportunities that are presenting themselves to us, things that we never thought of before or if we did, never acted upon.
   We are all trying to adapt to a world that is ever changing under our feet, daily!  That is incredibly difficult, not to mention unsettling.  We have lost the safety and security of the world we knew.  And we are all trying to figure out how to maneuver this new world, wondering whether the changes will be temporary or permanent.
  "What's unfolding now can awaken more opportunities for compassion than ever before.  Suffering can bring out love, wisdom and courage." Tara Brach.  I love all the different ways that I hear my friends and loved ones are connecting with each other, whether it be Zoom, Skype, FaceTime, group texts, etc.  Just because we are physically separate doesn't mean that we should be socially separate.  We need to lean into one another right now, more than ever.  We are human beings and we need connection.
   Lastly, don't forget to take care of YOURSELVES!  Be nurturing to YOU!  Walk outside (actually look at nature, rather than just whizzing on by it!) listen to music,  sing, dance, learn a new instrument via UTube, light a fragrant candle (I just finished melting down a mint chocolate chip one!  Ahhhh!) take online learning courses on topics that interest you (I highly recommend the Great Courses!  They have every topic under the sun!), clean out the junk drawer, read a book, write a book, make a will, write love letters, pick up the phone and call people that you usually only text or email, if at all,  etc. etc.  All of these things and more that you come up with make you feel so much better than just watching the depressing news everyday!  Yes, stay aware of the latest developments, but if you find yourselves starting to get really depressed or angry with your loved ones, it's time to turn off the news and turn on the good vibes.  As I wrote on FB, sit down to meals together, via Skype or FaceTime or Zoom.  It's like going out to dinner together, without actually going out to dinner together!  Ha!
   We will get through this.  Society will change.  We will change.  Change is not a bad thing.  
  "I have lived through this horror and can face whatever else comes along."  Eleanor Roosevelt
   
   

Every Person Has A Story!

   Something has been bothering me lately and it has to do with the death of Kobe Bryant, Gianna Bryant and "7 others!"  Every single time this story has been mentioned on the news, it has been presented as such.  I want to yell at the newscasters and say, "If a member of your family was one of those '7 others,' would you tell the story differently?"
   Every person on that helicopter had a relationship with Kobe and basketball, but no, they were not famous.  BUT each one had a family, like Kobe, and each one had an important, fun, exciting life that he/she was living and each one mattered to so many people who loved him/her.  Each and every one!  But the news mainly centered around Kobe and Gianna.  Do the others deserve to be clumped into one lump sum as "7 others?!"  NO!!!
   This happens every year when it comes to September 11, too.  The Twin Towers get all of the attention, while the Pentagon and Shanksville, PA are almost like after thoughts.  It annoys me every year!  They all deserve the same amount of attention, because each and every person that was killed that day, went to work, like it was just a normal day, and each expected to go home at night to be with their families.  They are you and me.  
   I was watching CBS Sunday Morning a week or so ago and they did a very moving piece on Auschwitz.  They said that Auschwitz is the largest cemetery in the world!  One million people are buried there!  In 1939, before the Holocaust, there were 16 1/2 million Jews in the world;  now, 75 years after Auschwitz was liberated, there are just under 15 million, worldwide!  It's truly beyond comprehension to be able to picture how many lives were snuffed out.  It almost becomes mind numbing like our national debt, or other government figures in the trillions.  What does that look like?  Not a  clue!  It's a lot!  The same with the millions of Jews who were slaughtered.  Too vast to comprehend.  I have been to several Holocaust Museums in Washington, DC, Israel, and Dallas.  THAT'S where one can begin to comprehend what was lost, because in these sobering museums are where you see the shoes.  For each pair of shoes, a person existed- man, woman, child- each person put on a pair of shoes that day or mothers and dads put them on their children and expected to take them off at the end of the day, maybe placing them beside their warm beds.  Each person had hopes and dreams and talents and love and and and.........Thinking of a pair of shoes rather than a humongous, incomprehensible number hits you between the eyes... in the solar plexus.... in your soul.
    So, back to Kobe.  I know that he was a giant of a man and I am sad that he died, especially the way that he did.  I am sad for Gianna, who had her whole talented life ahead of her, and I'm sad for all of those people who loved them both, especially his wife and other daughters,  but I am  equally sad for John Altobelli, his wife, Keri and their daughter, Alyssa.  Three members of one family wiped out in a flash!  What about their loved ones left behind?  Let's say the names of Christina Mauser, mother of 3, Ara Zobayan, the pilot, and Sarah and Payton Chester, mother and daughter.  They died, too and their lives affected so many other lives!  I love what Todd Schmidt, the former principal of Payton's elementary school wrote: "While the world mourns the loss of a dynamic athlete and humanitarian, I mourn the loss of two people JUST AS IMPORTANT (my caps!)...THEIR IMPACT WAS JUST AS MEANINGFUL, THEIR LOSS WILL BE JUST AS KEENLY FELT AND OUR HEARTS ARE JUST AS BROKEN."  
   Each person has a story and each story deserves to be told.

WHEN AN EX IS STILL A FRIEND

     I would like to begin this post by explaining what DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF is.  It is a grief for which society doesn't really sanction it as being as recognized or as worthy of support as the more "common" losses are entitled to.  What are some examples?  Couples who have suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth, especially the fathers,  families of prison inmates,  women and their partners who undergo abortions or infertility, suicide survivors and yes, ex-spouses.  Without the support that they are entitled to but don't receive, they grieve in isolation, which only compounds their grief.  Grief is already an isolating experience, because most people feel that they are the only ones who feel this way, whatever that way is, so adding an extra layer of isolation and the picture is not pretty.
    So, now, for the personal stuff.  My ex-husband, David, recently died at the age of 75.  Even though we had been divorced for 18 years, we met when we were seniors in college, were married for 30 years, and had been part of each others' lives for 50 years!  That is my entire adult life!  We made a family together and to many people, surprisingly, we remained that core family of 4 in many ways.  David and I both felt that our kids were our #1 priority and wanted to maintain as much stability as possible, despite our no longer being married.  
    Extended family members knew of our close relationship, as did most of our friends.  In fact, they marveled at it and always talked about how unusual it was!  It was wonderful to still be able to maintain connections with each other's families of origin.  David attended my dad's 100th birthday party, and I attended his mother's 100th!  (Yes!  Weren't we fortunate to have that longevity?!). When he got so sick, I, along with our daughter and his wife, went to every's doctor's appointment together.  We were a team. He always used to joke with the doctors that he brought his posse.  In other words, divorce didn't end our relationship; it only changed it.
   For people who didn't know us well, when I would relay things about my ex-husband, immediately, I would always have to quality by saying, "but we're still good friends!"  You must admit that most people hear the word ex- wife or husband and immediately assume that the relationship is no longer a good one!  Right?  I always chuckled to myself when I had to add that qualifier, but sometimes, it really wasn't funny.  It was also sad, because of society's automatic response to the word, divorce, assuming that the marriage ended badly.  Never assume anything or as the old saying goes, "Assuming makes an ass out of you and me."
   Here's where I would like to do my part in changing assumptions and attitudes that people have to ex spouse grief.  I was talking to Megan Devine, the author of the book I previously promoted and when I told her that I wasn't getting the support that I needed or wanted, she recommended that I just say a good friend died, instead of saying ex-husband. Then, I would automatically get support, (although even friend grief has its' limitations).  Good advice.
   As a bereavement specialist, my mind knows that people just don't know any better.  But as a griever, my heart still breaks that many, NOT ALL, who knew of our close relationship still sent condolences, in the form of food, donations or cards, to David's widow and not to me.  Again, I did receive a few, but in no way, close to the amount that his widow did.  And these were OUR friends!  It's like they had an imaginary limit in their minds,  as to how many condolences they could send out to memorialize one person and if it came down to either his widow or his ex-wife, she was the more legitimate griever.  I was the disenfranchised one.
   I mentioned in my earlier blogpost, I'm on a mission to educate people about grief, so I hope my readers will take this to heart and apply it to those they know who might be grieving, especially the disenfranchised who are socially marginalized.  Stop and think that the ripples in the pond of grief are far reaching, beyond the immediate family, even to very good friends, who just happen to be exes.

I'M ON A MISSION!

     And what might that be, you're probably asking?  It's to bring loss and grief out into the open, out of the scary, dark corners where it usually resides deep in our souls.  Why are we so open and carefree when we talk about our joys, but feel the need to retreat and hide when we are sad and grieving?  Love and grief go hand in hand.  They co-exist.  And yet, it is so much easier to talk about one and not the other.  Why is that?

      Here's why.  Because back in the early 1900's, families lived near each other, on the same street or even in the same house.  Everyone was exposed to death as it happened.  Children were not shielded.  They witnessed and grieved right alongside the adults.  There was a natural network of support and community. Death was a normal part of the life cycle.  It still is!  
   BUT we have traveled far away from our families today.  Where is home?  Where we grew up?  Where we raised our families?  What are our obligations toward one another today?  Who takes the lead when it comes to death and dying issues?
  And in this modern age, how do we even know who's grieving?  We certainly don't wear black armbands to show the community that we are mourning.  We don't wear black for a year like we used to back then.  We are expected to go back to work after three days!  We attend funerals and then, quickly, go back to our own lives, hoping, that the bereaved will also be able to go back to theirs, sooner rather than later.

   What a shame.  Grievers don't know if they're "doing it right."  Those who try to support them, don't know "the right thing to say or do."  No one is getting their needs met!  That's because we live in a death denying society.  Let's not talk about death, then, it won't happen to us.  "Because we don't talk about grief in our culture, we have personal and global backlogs of unheard and unspoken grief.....We have an epidemic of unspoken grief.....The gag order on pain is everywhere."  

Megan Devine in It's OK That You're Not OK (my favorite book on the subject and highly recommend!)

    I hope that you will tune into my blog as I do my best to bring loss and grief out from the shadows, both as an educator and as a griever.  This just has to end.  Too many of us are hurting and we think that we're crazy or abnormal.  Trust me.  We are neither.  We are grieving.  And we have lots of company.  We are not the only ones.  It just seems that way.

   Until next time.....